Dating with Disabilities: Throwing in the Towel

Dating with a disability is a conversation that applies to people in a way that tends to be dismissed. As an individual with a disability, and having worked with all age ranges, with cross-disability organizations. It is a topic not often addressed. Because the topic is never addressed, it leads to a lot of confusion for people when it comes to navigating the dating world.

Disability also has a wide range of application, and everyone has different experiences and levels of comfortability. Although, from physical to cognitive, it adds a hurtle to dating. The dating world is already treacherous, but now you have to deal with the concern of if your disability will be a turn off. Because, unfortunately for some, it is a dealbreaker.

This can be a difficult topic for anyone putting themself out into the dating market: man, woman, able-bodied, or living with disability, the concept of rejection. Is it right to reject someone just because your car cannot fit a wheelchair in the back, or because it does not align with the image of a romantic partner you had since you were seven?

The short answer is no. It says more about the other person than you. Ableism is a plague, and it should be eradicated, but so much of the disability community, even down to the word handicapped, is rooted in discrimination. (The word handicapped stems from the term hand-in-cap. It is the "Tiny Tim" syndrome that instantly comes to mind for most when the word disability is mentioned. The idea that disability is a death sentence.

I have climbed Mount Olympus, traveled across Europe, traversed the US more than five times, by every mode of transportation, save wagon trail (unless Oregon Trail counts. And even then, I do not think I ever made it all the way without everyone dying of dysentery.) but never once, have I been a poor, orphan, coughing, and hobbling about the streets of London. Hoping for someone else to take pity on my poor, miserable, existence.

Because of the simple fact that we all want to be included, we all want to be accepted and seen for our benefits. If you ever need a reminder of how brutal dating is and can be for men, just remember that most of the dating advice out there preys on these fears, that we as men have. The fears that we are less than the guy next to us, that we do not measure up to the millionaire sports star. The fears of Men who cry and exclaim, "Women do not want to date me because I am only five-ten," and not the mandatory six foot plus.

Do these women exist? Sure, they exist. Should you go into every dating situation expecting the woman to be holding a tape measurer? No. It should be the same with disability.

Before I get complaints of not understanding the plight of short men across the world, know this, I understand the pain. (I am 5 foot 10.5 inches) Yes, that half inch matters, I guess. It matters as much to some women and less to some, the same as disability. It can be a turnoff for terrible people that you do not want to date, anyways. Again, it always says more about their character than your own.

speaking from personal dating experience here, I have been told by a woman, after a week of dating, that she broke up with me because, "I don't want to have to take care of you." It says more about her than it does me. I still did not like that it all came to a head because of the fact that I do not have a full functioning body, but I was never asking her to tie my shoes or wipe my butt. Seriously, ableism is the worst, and if you are, please do not read this blog. I do not need your pity. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, Sarah, or whatever her name was.

At the end of the messed up dating day, you need to understand that some people are not going to reciprocate your romantic feelings because of their own warped, completely messed up way of thinking. Now, was it worth arguing with this woman that told me she did not want to take care of me after a week of dating? Absolutely not! I could have talked to her until I was blue in the face, could have given her pictures from the top of the mountain, given her receipts to everything, and none of it would have mattered.

If someone does not like you because of something you cannot change, simply move on with your life. It will save you years of heartbreak.

Dating for men today feels like a litmus test of wants from women. Again, I am not six five, nor have I ever made a six-figure salary as of the writing of this blog post, but maybe someday, right? And yet, I have dated. I have met great women, but for most men, constant rejection leads to throwing in the towel. Like the guy in Rocky 4 says, "Throw the damn towel!" Because just like Apollo getting hit in the face over and over, there is only so much beating that a person can take before they yes, throw the damn towel!

Many men and people with disabilities hear no a lot. Rejection happens regardless of who you are; so much so that it becomes internalized. We assume no one will ever love us because past experiences have been nothing but rejection. It has been nothing but uppercut after uppercut. In this case though, throwing in the towel and walking away does not get you closer to dating, if that is your ultimate goal. I will restate this here for any men from a community that screams about how all women are trash and that there is no hope. Not all women are the same. Just like how all men are not the same. Sure, poor dating culture might be more prevalent, and you might have to hear no more than yes, but instead of moaning about how "No one will ever love me," because I do not meet insert criteria here, you could do something about it. You could accept the fact that not everyone wants to date you, even people you might be interested in dating. It is okay to accept that if he/she/whatever you are into does not respond after a week to your text, that you can move on.

I know dating is not what it was ten years ago. My last long-term relationship was in fact much longer ago than that, but I have dated. It has been good, and it has been bad, but if I could give advice to someone looking to date, which I suppose this blog is all about, finding solutions. Not simply whining about one or two, or hell, thirty bad dating experiences. Throwing in the towel will result in you missing out on some wonderful people out there, trust me. I might be optimistic, but even after I had to sleep on the floor of an apartment for six months, I still remain optimistic that there are people out there who will want to be with me. And I should never, and you should never, have to try and convince anyone to be with you. It comes off as needy, and that is not the advice I would ever give.

Yes, relationships are about sacrifice; it is not about measuring up to arbitrary standards or ableist opinions. I do not need someone to take care of me, and that bad experience, that is all it is, a bad experience. I know it is possible to happen whenever I meet anyone. Some people are just not going to like you for whatever reason, and so what if they do not like you? Move on, find someone worth your time. Towels are meant for drying, not for throwing.