Is the Dream of Dating Dead?

The first time I ever thought I found the one was the first day of kindergarten. My parents recall, I got off the bus, and in my loud four year old voice proclaimed,

"Today I met the girl that I'm going to marry!" Fast forward more than two decades later, and I am not married to this girl that four year old me thought was perfect. (for whatever reason) I would like to think it was from my naivete at that young age, or perhaps the inundation of media aimed at children, from superheroes, to Disney movies, to stories of knights in shining armor, there is always a backdrop of love. Fighting for love, dying for love, beating the bad guys in the name of love. It presents a dream of what life should be like, and even as children we pick up on this dream, but in the passing decades is this dream of dating, finding the one, still viable? Or is it simply put, the dream is dead.

There are many times I have thought I found the one through the years. I in fact moved schools, and have no idea what happened to that girl. (the first one) I also recognize that people are still getting married every day, so someone has to be finding love, right? Even more baffling is the number of people that went forward with weddings during the years of lockdown.

If a worldwide pandemic cannot get in the way of dating and marriage, then what can? Obviously, the dream of dating must be thriving if the evidence above stands as proof. Sure, people are still able to date, and even with declining marriage rates, people are still getting married. Then how is it possible that the stories we grew up listening to or watching on television could be wrong? (I am talking about the good old days with Saturday morning cartoons) Possibly by presenting different standards to both genders (again all genders) it leads you and the person on the other side of the table to have warped senses when it comes to dating.

Gone are the traditional gender roles of yore. And while I am in no way condoning or promoting traditional gender roles (especially those of the 1950s) I think it does make the dating landscape much simpler. Each member had his/her/their part to play in the dance of dating.

Now though, the dance has become increasingly difficult to follow, and no one knows who is supposed, or how to lead. Yes, there are still women out there that want a traditionally masculine man to fix stuff and manage the household. I do not subscribe to the notion that in order to find a wife, men need to move overseas, although if that is your solution, then go for it.

The trouble we fall into when discussing dating is the opinions of others. Make one misstep, and you quickly find yourself called out on the internet. Society promotes a lifestyle of that which feels incompatible at times with what men and women want. Just like the cartoons we took in from our early days, we get a message that men need to be rich, fit a specific mold.

Likewise, women are given different messaging, and this too has continued to divide the sexes. Fewer men are attending university, which traditionally meant an opportunity to meet similar aged coeds. You could easily have something in common to start a conversation about. Even if it was how awful eight am classes are.

What happens to those who do not successfully leave college with a wife or husband? It becomes increasingly challenging to meet people with the added responsibilities of work, cleaning, cooking, and trying to find time to sleep. Many of us live in a repetitive cycle of work and home. What precious free time we might have puts us on the couch to binge the latest show, or simply too overwhelmed to do anything but stare at the wall for an hour. We trade out or slim fit jeans for pajama bottoms. We come to the point where the most socializing we do is if we end up having to talk to the food delivery guy to explain where our apartment is.

Third places, bars, coffeeshops, restaurants, etc. are visited less. We become more atomized, settling into a kind of accepted complacency. If we do find the stamina to go out to the bar or pizza place, there is little chance we will meet the gaze of anyone.

The dream of meeting anyone at a crowded bar where you lock eyes and get the signals to approach are so incredibly slim.

It is next to impossible to get anyone's attention because of the devices in their hands.

Even when we do go out, it is still entirely possible to remain in our own world. Captivated by the glow of our own screens in an Orwellian prison. Understandably so, it is still possible to meet people when you go out, but the chances of meeting someone who matches well with you are slim. I am not denying there are plenty of men who are able to go out and get women to notice them, but it is only after taking care of their own lives first.

As I have mentioned before, those superficial measures of attraction can certainly help here. I am discussing the average guy. A side note, I do not enjoy bars as much as I might have when I was younger and had groups of friends to go out with.

The issue of dating as well, feels like no one wants to be tied down long term. The fast-food minds of people scavenging the apps for the next slight upgrade. We all want a little excitement now and then, I suppose. But it all comes at a cost of how willing we are to commit long-term. Why settle when the next date could be better? There is really no incentive today for couples to work through their differences. Once termed lover's quarrels are now simply breaking up.

Dating made easy, but without substance. Again, if you meet the litmus test of superficial markers of what is "Attractive" I have no doubt you are doing well in your dating pursuits.

It is not as gloomy as it might be portraited though, and I would not want to leave you feeling hopeless. I choose to stay optimistic that through all the obstacles in dating today, it is possible to make meaningful relationships. Dating might be incredibly frustrating as I know I have experienced. And more than once, I have sworn off dating and women altogether, but this is not a long-term solution for those who do want to meet someone and make a relationship work.

Dating is work, and this has never changed. Work on yourself and be prepared to work even harder at something with another person. The dream of dating might not be dead, but it might be significantly more challenging with the new obstacles faced in courtship today. Remember, love and relationships can occur under any circumstance, and be willing to put in as much if not more effort into the relationship once you find one. Besides, who knows the next person to deliver your food might be the one you are looking for.